Some of you know that my profession involves using words and grammar to convince people to buy things. (If I wanted to be “PC”, I’d say that I’m truly trying to create brand awareness, but the bottom line is, brand awareness still means we want people to buy things. So there) Given that my profession as a copywriter means I’m familiar with marketing speak, I thought I was a little less…. how do you say… gullible when it comes to packaging terms.
Tonight, I was preparing a favorite warm weather dish of mine – cucumber salad. It’s relatively low in calories and fairly simple to make, requiring few ingredients. First, peel two cucumbers and use a mandoline slicer to make them paper thin. Sprinkle them liberally with salt, and let them soak for about half an hour in just the salt.
After half an hour, make sure your hands are clean, and then get in there and SQUEEEEEZE the moisture out of those cucumbers. SQUUUUEEEEEEZEEEEEE! You want them mostly dry, otherwise you’ll feel like you’re drinking from the ocean.
Then, when all the cuke slices are squeezed and mostly dry, add one TBSP white vinegar and two big dollops of sour cream. Notice that I wrote sour cream and not sour creme. Cuz this? This is “UNREAL!!!” Sour “creme”. And you know what that means?
This is “unreal” sour cream. Like for realz. Sour creme.. that’s not sour cream. I took a bite while I was making this salad and something tasted… Off. And then I thought, well, it needs to be refrigerated so maybe that’s why. But then I thought, wait, this is the easiest recipe in the world and it tastes WRONG! I took another taste and thought, hmmm. Something’s wrong with this sour cream. And then I realized… No, it’s not low fat… but it says UNREAL! You don’t think… OH YES! It’s artificial sour cream.
I’m sorry, but when I want sour cream, I want REAL sour cream… in all of its fatty, sour glory. Hydrogenated soy bean oil? I don’t think so. Give me the stuff that comes from straight from the cow’s udder and congeals into a big, thick paste, cuz THAT’S what I want in my cucumber salad. Not a big glop of gluey white stuff. Unreal Sour Creme? I hate using this term because it’s now so overdone…. but this truly was an epic fail. That’ll teach a consumer goods copywriter to think she’s got the smarts to brave the grocery store.