Deep Roots

I had a random occurrence happen in Spanish class on Wednesday night.  I normally sit in the back row of every class and in this particular one, I sit in the far back corner.  I like this desk for three particular reasons.  It’s next to the window which allows me to gaze out in lust for the outside world but it also has a space bubble of multiple empty desks around me, except for one classmate who seems to also like being away from everyone.  My bubble invader classmate was absent tonight so it lead me to join up with people in middle region of the classroom, something I had yet to do.  When I switched seats a fellow classmate commented on why I’m always off in the far back corner and without even thinking, I rolled off my third reason of why I like the back corner desk.

“I don’t like taking up someone’s view.”

He gave me a very funny look and asked to explain what I meant, since in a row-formation of desks, typically someone always is in front of you.  At that moment a very deep rooted memory came flooding back into my mind from my childhood.   I was in third or fourth grade and a girl behind me was called on by my teacher.  I forget what made her say this exactly, but she blurted out, “I can’t see because April is so big.”  At that age I was already the tallest kid in the class and hadn’t quite hit my chunky puberty stage so surely she didn’t mean that I was fat, but it didn’t matter.  She hit something in my brain that still completely affects my public behavior at age 30.

Ever since that moment I have always preferred to sit in the back.  I loved the freedom of junior high and high school classrooms where the teacher let you choose your own desk.  The back corner became my own personal safety zone.  In the back corner, no would be looking at the back of my head.  In the back corner, I wouldn’t be blocking anyone’s view.   This is also why I prefer the back row at the movie theater.  I like to be able to not worry that someone isn’t seeing ALL of the screen because of me being too tall.  Or too BIG.

I explained the story of what happened in elementary school to my classmate and, after a few chuckles, he said, “That sucks that things like that can have such an impact.  Childhood is crazy.”

A few hours later I hung out with my brother, Tommy, and mentioned how I had to head home to write this blog.  He asked what I was going to write about and, for once, I had no idea.  I mentioned what had happened in Spanish class and how maybe I should write about that.  Tommy agreed and then I asked him if he had occurrences that happened to him as a child that impacted the way he lived for the rest of his life.

He responded, “I don’t sit on wet toilets.”

Immediately I started to laugh because the reason why Tommy won’t sit on a wet toilet is because he slipped off the toilet seat when he was 5.  Unfortunately on his way down he hit hit mouth up against the  toilet paper holder and somehow cut his tooth through his lip and chin, traumatizing my baby brother for life.  I totally remember that happening.  He was SO bloody.

Both my brother and my own story of our personal childhood drama resulted in silly impacts on our lives.  I’m sure I could sit in a desk in front of someone and people wouldn’t call me big.  I’m sure Tommy could sit on a wet toilet seat without smashing his face again.

But we don’t. And chances are, we’ll always have these fears deep rooted inside of us somewhere.

There are plenty of little things that hinder people from certain actions in their lives.  Some people might not wear stripes because they fear they look too wide.  Some people might refuse to wear a white shirt because they fear how their freckles show through underneath.  The point is that we’ve all got some little fear inside of us too.

Can you think of anything silly that happened to you when you were young that impacted the rest of your life?  I am definitely interested in hearing!

Have a fabulous Thursday!

AprilSignatur