My terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

Happy Friday, everybody! I’ve been in a little bit of a funk this last part of the week as on Tuesday I headed to the doctor to get my weight re-checked and my liver enzymes reported. (After the 10 day detox, I was supposed to lose 8-12 pounds and we were hoping for an improvement on the elevated liver enzymes from tests prior).

To summarize, to prepare for success I…

  • Followed a very strict 10-day medical grade cleanse and detox (And FYI I did not cheat once — didn’t think I’d have to make that claim… thanks to the butthead who suggested my tests came back because I “probably cheated”,)
  • Consistently took my metformin, the new insulin resistant drug I was placed on that was supposed to help with weight loss

My scale at home was showing a hopeful number — 12 pounds down. I even bought an old school, analog dial scale to confirm that everything was correct. Husband even cross-checked his weight, and it was right. So when I weighed in at the doctor, I was really, really shocked to hear that in the past six weeks, I had gained five pounds.

As I sat on the the exam table and tried to choke back tears, I discussed with my doctor how this was even possible. We moved on to the liver results, and they haven’t gotten any better, at all. So my difficult, expensive, horrendous detox? Didn’t work.

My new plan of action is eating 1,000 calories a day per my doctor, starting a new drug called Invokana, also for insulin resistance associated with my PCOS, and having a liver ultrasound to rule out any masses, lesions or inflammation. I’m not gonna lie, I’m having a hard time with this all. When your body is going rogue despite you trying everything you possibly can to make it better, it’s frustrating. I had eight vials of blood taken on Tuesday to re-check my low vitamin D levels and also re-examine my thryoid function, this time, looking at thyroid antibodies, which if off balance can indicate Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism.

I thought I had made it through the appointment without bursting into tears, but as I was put in to another exam room to have my blood drawn, my eyes started welling up. I thought I was off the hook until the doctor came in, took one look at me, asked if I was ok, and the great dam broke free. I was really embarrassed but she was super supportive and comforting and assured me we would work through this together. I’m grateful to have a doctor with wonderful bed side manner who’s willing to work with me to figure out what’s going on.

I’m sad, mad, frustrated, irritated, scared… you name it. I want so badly to be on the right track, to see the scale moving downwards rather than up. The only thing I can think of is maybe the lack of exercise during my detox (no cardio was allowed during the plan) might have contributed to a gain – but even so – a gain of five pounds? Something’s wrong.

I’ve talked about my awesome intuition before, and I know something’s up. If nothing is found this time, I’m going to keep looking. I feel that something is off, or not working the way it should be. Knowing about the PCOS is half of it, but I really feel there’s another factor at play. Until I know, I must wait, as patiently as I can, trying to be optimistic. But I’ll tell you – you really never acknowledge your health until it’s in jeopardy. Take a moment today and be grateful for your health because when it’s suddenly in flux, it’s not fun. At all.

I’m sorry if this post is a downer but I needed to keep you all updated. Do you have any advice for me for handling the “What if”‘s of the next few days?

 

A Memorial for My Sweet Leo Cat

The majestic King Leo.

This post is hard for me to write because like so many things in my life, once I put the words to the paper, it becomes real – no longer something I can avoid or ignore, giving it a presence and life on the great wide internet. On Tuesday we lost our precious cat Leo. He was hit by a car in the early evening hours, and my husband found him as he went out jogging. He was only three houses down, and even in his death, I remember thinking how magnificently beautiful he looked lying there under the golden light of the street lamp. He was in perfect condition other than an injury to his head – no doubt a blessing, if there can be a blessing in this tragedy, because his death was instant. His collar was tossed to the side, a cruel reminder that this sadly was our baby and not just a Leo-look-alike.

Leo at six months.

I want to write about Leo today because his life is worth remembering, and it’s worth celebrating. We decided to get a second cat six months after we got our lovely Lucia, because we felt guilty leaving a spunky and playful kitty home alone every day. I spent weeks scouring Craigslist, looking for the right companion for my sweet tabby girl. I didn’t find one online, so we visited a local Petco on an adoption day. I’ll never forget the first time I saw Leo – he was perched inside of a black wire cage on a puffy cotton bed. Two young boys were petting him through the cage with their fingers, and with his majestic hair spread around him, he looked like a royal cat, one fit for the queen of England on a pillow of velvet. I instantly loved him, but knew there was no way my husband would go for a MALE, LONG HAIRED, ORANGE cat. (He had a cat from Hell as child named Dingus who was an orange male – and Dingus was bad enough to scar him for life!) I called Matt over and as I suspected, he was hesitant because of his color, gender and hair type. The woman overseeing the adoption must have known something about this cat though, because she scooped him up, walked my husband over to a little visiting area, and closed the door. I wasn’t in there with them, but what I saw was magical. Leo pushed his body into my husband’s hands, demanding attention. He purred like a motorboat, rubbing his sweet orange cheeks against my husband’s palms. We didn’t choose Leo that day. He chose us.

Lucia makes Leo welcome.

He arrived to our apartment in a dramatic display (as usual for such a sassy little guy), as our current cat had to be carried up the stairs hissing, growling and swatting at my face in rage. Leo had to sleep in the bathroom that night, our only room with a door (We lived in a loft apartment), and my husband eventually moved a thin mattress pad into the bathroom with him to settle his cries. They fell asleep together, Leo nestled into Matt’s arms. Leo was meek and tender the first few days we had him, respectfully trying to show Lucia that he accepted that he was the underdog. After a few more days of Lucia’s bitchiness, Leo had had enough and decided HE would be top-cat.

Leo and I didn’t have the best start in life – because he and Lucia didn’t get along and he spent hours biting her butt or humping her, I felt a tiny bit of resentment for the angst he was causing my Lucia. Sometimes in the middle of the night, he would whack my forehead with his tiny orange paw, an action I felt was surely to spite me. Something magical happened when I started to work from home – Leo and I grew to understand each other. His annoying habits, like knocking my pens off my desk, or intertwining himself around my feet, were finally revealed to me as LOVE. Leo just wanted attention. He wasn’t trying to be meddlesome, or irritating – he just wanted to be with me. That’s all. He wanted to be loved.

Friends at last

Eventually, Lucia and Leo grew to tolerate each other, and our lives became delightfully full with the addition of this spirited little boy. He was constantly grooming himself, showing fastidious pride in his silky, long coat. His hair was an amazing orange blonde, and he truly looked like a little lion, exactly like the animal that inspired his perfect name. He and Matt were inseparable, sleeping together, watching TV, playing with feathered cat toys and harassing Lucia.

Leo was always in heaven when he was outside.

Leo had a spunk I’ve never seen in an animal – I was trying to train him to stay off the counters and read a trick about putting a cookie sheet full of water on the counter. The point was the water would deter the cat and they would learn to avoid the counter thinking of the association with water. I put the cookie sheet on the counter – and came back to Leo delightfully splish-splashing in the water, droplets all around him, his feet soaking wet and a cheerful look on his mischievous face. He was spunky, all right. I was so glad to see so much joy in him, because Leo never had much luck. We found out when we adopted him that he had been rescued from underneath a dumpster behind a restaurant, where the owners threw glass bottles at him and his brothers. He had frequent eye infections and upper-respiratory illnesses, and up until the day he died, I lovingly cleaned his weeping eyes with warm water and cotton.

Leo fighting fatty liver disease. He was a trooper!

A year after we had him, we faced our first tragedy with Leo. After a move to our current home, he wasn’t eating and was very lethargic. We took him to the emergency vet one night when his eye crusted shut, and we found out his liver had jaundice. We had one very sick and very yellow cat. After a heartbreaking round of tests, we were told he immediately had to have a feeding tube inserted or he would die in the night. As young college kids, the $1,400 price tag was excruciating. We sacrificed an exotic Australian honeymoon to save our cat and it was worth every penny. Each night, we set alarm clocks to wake up to feed our sick baby. It was devastating to see how sick he was, but somehow, we prayed and hoped he would make it through.

Splendor in the grass.

It was the week that he had a feeding tube that we started to bring him outside, as it was the only thing that made him show signs of life. His ears would perk up at the myriad of sounds around him, the shrill chirping of birds, the gentle lull of the grass in the breeze. He became alive again when he was outside. As he healed, we were faced with a hard decision. Leo LOVED the outdoors. We tried to avoid letting him out, knowing the dangers that faced cats, but he quickly learned how to position himself at our front door, catapulting his tiny body out the door as soon as we opened it. No matter how many times he escaped and we carried him back in, protesting with whiny meows, he always sat by the door crying, looking at us as if we had delivered the biggest injustice in the world. Eventually, we softened, and started letting him into the backyard. This cat LIVED for the outside world.

Leo and his man.

He started to bring us “gifts” of giant grasshoppers, and even taught our shy little Lucia cat how to meow. He had a loud, obnoxious meow that ranged in tone depending on his moods – from annoyance at the door, waiting to be let out into his world, to utter affection if we were arriving home for the day. He was the floppiest, cuddliest cat I had ever seen, sitting in Matt’s lap on his back, legs splayed like a little human.

In the past few months, Leo and I had grown closer that I knew possible. While we didn’t have the same connection that he and Matt did, I now understood and truly loved this little cat. We spent time curled around each other, and I often woke up with his long hair forming a warm cascade around my feet. We loved each other. There was no doubt. I never thought it was possible to love an animal this much. I had dogs my whole life; Lucia and Leo were the first cats I had ever had.

And all this time we just thought the birds weren’t thirsty.

Now that Leo is gone, we realized we didn’t fully appreciate the presence he brought to our daily lives. This picture of him on the birdbath captures his spirit – playful, mischievous, curious, always making us laugh. I didn’t think about how when he sat in the sink right before I brushed my teeth, he wasn’t plotting to give me cavities – he just wanted to be by me. We often saw a tiny pink tongue snaking into the shower curtains, and it was always just Leo trying to lap up a little morning drink. He loved playing with jingle balls, always in the wee morning hours, making us think “LEO! You drive us crazy!” He was painfully shy around new people, but with us, he was constantly preening and posing, showing off his extravagant tail and how it flamed around him like a velveteen feather. He was extraordinary.

Leo and I catching some cuddles.

My heart is so heavy, but in writing this I feel some lightness. I’m asking you today, if you have a pet, to squeeze him a little tighter, stroke their ears one more time, or give them a smooch on their forehead. Some people might say Leo was just a cat. And sure, he was just a cat. But he was also a member of our family. He was our little boy, and he taught us so much about life; the delight that can be found in the afternoon sun, the simplicity of a walk through the grass. He gave us so much love, so much joy, and so much entertainment. I still can’t believe he’s gone. The hardest part is knowing how sudden it all was – when Leo first got sick with his liver disease and he lived, we thought surely we would have him forever. That our kids would pull at his tail and that he would wrap his soft body in a toddler’s arms. That he would experience us eventually getting a dog, and moving into our first home, a new backyard to battle the neighborhood cats. He’s not with us here now. He’s in the backyard, laid to rest between two 60-year-old orange trees, a perfect spot with afternoon sun and wild clover. My husband and I have been crushed with grief the past few days, but in it I find something to smile about. I read this quote today, and along with the compassion and kindness of our friends, I have felt a little bit better.

““When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
― Kahlil Gibran

Goodbye my sweet Leo. We’ll love you forever. You’re always in our hearts.

Rest in peace, darling boy. We love you.

Thailand 20 Tuesday – Week 4

Hello Friends:
I didn’t really know how to approach this week’s weigh in – because while there was a lot I did right this week, it was kind of a weird week. I didn’t go overboard on anything, but I got tied up and didn’t track on MyFitnessPal for two days, and then I exercised and was active but took it down a notch over the weekend because I was sad (my cousin passed away unexpectedly this weekend. Bummer. A reminder for all of us to live our lives with purpose because you really truly never know when your number is going to be called.) So, I’m not altogether surprised that I didn’t hit 2 pounds down, but I’m not devastated either – because I hit 1 pound down. I know what I need to fix for next week – which as usual – is more cardio. I’m behind on my goal but I feel good about keeping consistent with my weigh-ins and definitely making more progress than I was before. I try and think that even if the scale isn’t showing what I want, I’m noticing other things – like more energy from working out, or my jeans feeling a little bit looser. And hey – a pound lost is a pound lost – so that’s great!

Here are some of the weight loss high points from this week:

Cucumber and Tomato Feta Salad

1) I ate TONS of veggies this week. This was a yummy and simple cucumber, tomato and feta salad with some green bell peppers. So good and so filling.

A nice sunset stroll in my snazzy new workout jacket.

On the day we got news of my cousin Josh passing, I didn’t want to work out – but Matt and I took a nice sunset stroll through the park. It was lowkey and we ended up clocking in a 3 mile walk – just enough to make me feel a little bit better and burn up a small sweat.

Very Veggie Pasta


I had a craving for spaghetti on Sunday night but knew that the way we usually make it (ground beef, wine, olive oil) would be too fattening. So I did half the amount of ground beef, a tsp of olive oil, and EIGHT different kinds of vegetables. It came out amazing – super chunky and filling but chock full of veggies, so I needed very few noodles. So good.

This next week is going to be interesting as I’m getting on a plane Friday to head to Josh’s funeral – so I’ll be surrounded by family and food. I’ll need to remember not to eat my emotions! How is your week going?