Big Girls Gone Kayaking

On our last day of Fitcation, we were going kayaking in Morro Bay. Having recently kayaked, I felt powerful and strong when wielding a fiberglass boat, especially after debunking my fears of being too fat to fit, making it sink, etc. I pretty much went into kayaking with the “Heck yes! I can do this!” attitude, which usually serves me pretty well.

As we pulled up to Kayak Horizons, I noticed nerves fluttering around many of the other bloggers. By the time life jackets were handed out, I realized half of our group was heading towards a bar! I was disappointed but realized that water isn’t for everyone, with the addition of water in a chilly bay. I have only kayaked in lakes before, so I knew that it would be a more difficult ride out in the ocean.


I was honored to be asked to partner with Meagan, a lovely mom from North Carolina. She picked me because of my previous kayaking prowess and I could tell she was hopeful that my skills would make me a natural kayak partner. We got into our kayak and began attempting to paddle off. I noticed immediately that I had WAY underestimated how much more difficult ocean water is to paddle in. We had a rough current pushing us the opposite direction and despite our attempts to get in sync, we were floundering. I was kind of embarrassed that I had been so confident in my kayaking skills because at this point, I was no better than a newbie kayaker. Luckily though, Meagan is kind and has a sense of humor. After about an hour of frustrated paddling and at one point even bumping into the buoy of a stationary boat (whoopsies!), we finally got on track and made it across the bay to a little island.


As we were pulling on to the island, it dawned us. Why had it been SO DAMN HARD for us to row that kayak? We couldn’t maneuever it well, and it took us triple the time to get across the bay as some of the other ladies in the boat. At that moment we had the shared realization of WHY it was a little more different… because the two big girls got in the same boat! Oh. DUH! Hahaha! Now, when I say Meagan is big, I don’t mean she’s fat. I would never say that about her, or anyone except myself, for that matter – she’s the one who prompted it, but as we howled with laughter, we realized that yep, sure enough, the two tall, broad shouldered, mighty women got into the same kayak. And while Meagan’s recently lost over 120 pounds (WOW!), I know that I was responsible for some extra junk in the trunk that made us row a little bit harder. (It all works out. More weight = more cardio = more rowing = stronger arms?)

After we cheekily explained our situation to others, several volunteered to switch with us to lighten our load. Though the idea of an easier ride back was tempting, Meagan and I had a flash of inspiration. We would finish what we started. We wouldn’t give up. NO WAY would we give up! Big, strong women are exactly that – big and strong. We didn’t need to lighten our load. This weight and heft, though cumbersome, was ours, and we would rock it. We got back into our kayaks with a renewed sense of vigor, and sure enough, the paddle back wasn’t nearly as hard as anticipated. Though the opposing current helped with that, I like to think that somewhere, as attitudes lighten and positivity prevails, things get a little easier all around. This story makes me smile when I think about it, because it was the one weight related hurdle I faced at Fitcation. Going to Fitcation, I was nervous that I’d be the only big girl, that I’d be out of shape on our hikes, etc – but I felt great and kept up with the pack just fine, and my body shape and size wasn’t an issue. While my kayak experience was a little more “heavy” than the rest of the trip, I think this story serves as a fine reminder of why this journey isn’t going to be so much about the destination for me, but enjoying the ride.


It always goes back to attitude. I may not be happy with the body I have now, but it’s capable and strong. With the right attitude, I know that I’ll eventually get where I want to be, and even if I feel like I’m sinking, I need to just keep paddling.



The importance of being positive – AND in acknowledging the negative.

Through out my life, I’ve been told I’m a positive person. It’s true, when things go wrong, I tend to try and see the bright side, because there is USUALLY some small, good thing you can glean from a big ole’ pile of lemons (like lemonade.) Let’s try a real life scenario from today: My debit card information got swiped at a gas pump, even though my card is safely in my wallet. Over $400 in charges were drafted from my checking account and I spent over an hour on the phone undoing it all, putting me behind in my work day. Now I have no debit card for the next week until a replacement comes. True, this is a big ole “crap on toast” scenario, but the bright side? I’m trying to save every last cent I have for a down payment on our future home. Maybe not the best savings plan, but I can either freak out and be mad, pretend nothing’s wrong and be fakey chipper, or I can be mad and quietly accept that it is what it is. I choose to accept it.

Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 8.31.56 PM

Last Tuesday, I wrote to you how mad, sad and frustrated I was about my latest medical findings. It wasn’t just that, last week. A lot went wrong, including a dear family friend losing his fight with cancer. Last week was rough. I’m still mad and sad. There’s nothing wrong with that. Many people (and I’ve done this myself to other people – it’s human nature. We all want people to feel better when they don’t feel good.) have told me not to worry, to just be positive and that everything will be fine. While I agree and appreciate that sentiment, a friend brought up a really good point the other day — that there is nothing wrong with admitting defeat every once in awhile. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions, even if they’re bad. She said sometimes you need time to lick your wounds. And as someone who’s usually pegged as Sally Sunshine, I couldn’t agree more. I told my husband one night when we were discussing Livergate that I just wanted some time to be pissed off. And I did, really, truly. I appreciated everyone’s sweet motivational quips, but I was pissed. I wanted to stew in my anger, to be resentful of that stupid $100 medical detox that did nothing but cause me angst and discomfort, to be irritated that weight loss seems it will forever be the elusive sparkly white unicorn. So I was angry, and I was resentful. And guess what? I’m still frustrated, but allowing myself to really FEEL those things and not repress them means that today I’m more well adjusted and satisfied than I probably would have been if I kept telling myself to cheer up and be positive.

However, by allowing myself to be mad, it helped me come full circle and truly, truly get down to the nitty gritty behind all this, mentally. I’m fatter than I’ve ever been, but you know what? I’m also fitter than I’ve ever been. Last night I ran over a mile to the drug store, without stopping. Before I started this journey, I would have rather scooped the litterbox than attempted to run a mile. I can do that now with relative ease. This journey is not perfect. It’s not a straight line to success. My journey has not been instant success, and sometimes, it feels like it hasn’t been any success at all. But there are lasting changes I have made, and things that I will overcome when the time is right.

When you take time to reflect on a bad situation, if you really devote enough attention to the matter, you can usually figure out what the underlying fear or anger is beneath what’s going on. I want to lose weight because I want to be healthy. At present moment, the defeatist in me is saying I will never lose weight, that I’ll just keep gaining and gaining until I can’t leave the house and my life will become smaller and smaller while my body becomes bigger and bigger. But, I know well enough to put a piece of tape over defeatist’s mouth, and admit to myself that yes, this has been really, really hard, but I will get there. The sum of my parts is more than a number on the scale, and my happiness is made up of more than just how much I weigh. It is made up of my family, my kitten’s soft pink paws, the taste of cold iced tea on a hot summer day, the fantastic smell of orange blossoms in the breeze, the sound of good music, the feel of freshly washed sheets, the comments you all leave me, the feeling I get when I’m working on a project I love, the dinner my husband brings me while I’m working on that project.

Today, I choose Sally Sunshine but I acknowledge the defeatist. I choose acceptance. I choose positivity.

When something crummy happens to you, how do you react? Are you a glass half full, or a glass half empty? Do you understand what I mean about being positive but still being ok with acknowledging the negative?