Last Friday night I had an interesting interaction that lead me to do some deep thinking over the course of the week of how I view myself.

I was walking towards Chipotle (mmm) to get my favorite standard salad with no dressing when I noticed a dude checking me out as I approached.  As I got closer, I decided to actually give him some eye contact for once instead of shyly looking away and avoiding looking at him.  The cute dude smiled and said, “Hello”  and feeling brave I said “Hi” back and walked into the restaurant.  As I stood staring and the menu and debating between chicken and pork, the dude came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.  He said, “Excuse me, I know this is random, but would you like to have dinner with me right now, my treat?”  I gave him a curious eye but decided he seemed harmless enough and said, “Yes, I hope you like Chipotle.”

So I ordered my salad and he ordered an enchilada, something that any Chipotle fan knows that is NOT a menu option.  Although he clearly told me he liked Chipotle after my question above, how could he not know they don’t have enchiladas?  Then when it comes to pay, he struggled to find his check card and then claimed his buddy had it along with his phone.  I silently wondered why but insisted that I didn’t mind paying for his $3.75 quesadilla so we could get the horrible awkward moment over with.  Twenty minutes pass and we learned a bunch of random information about each other and got to the point of exchanging numbers.  But wait, his buddy had his phone!  Well, I suggested that he should just use my phone to call his own phone to get in touch with his friend, who supposedly had gotten separated from him an hour earlier at the mall Chipotle was in.  Sure enough his friend picked up and they were set to meet at Applebee’s.  The dude was quite persistent in trying to get me to come with him but I was quite focused on going on and doing nothing as I had been gone all day already.  As we hugged goodbye, he tried to kiss me and I immediately rejected his plan and said my goodbyes.

So that was that.  Now, I guess it could be a common situation for some people but for me, it is not so often that I get blatantly hit on and asked out on the spot.  It happens, but never like this dude.

All throughout the entire situation I kept thinking of this horrible scenario that relates back to the dating website Okcupid.  One of the great things about the site is that is asks all these questions and one of them is “Would you ever go wart-hogging?”

If you don’t know what it means, I didn’t until I was on  this site, it is when a group of men/women go out and try to “bag the warthog” or basically to pursue someone ugly/fat/unattractive that they weren’t interested in just for kicks.

What if I was the warthog?

I just didn’t get why a relatively hot guy would single me out and follow me into Chipotle without some other type of motive than just pure attraction.  Maybe he was a con-artist who uses women for their money to buy him food.  Maybe he was going to steal my phone but Chipotle wasn’t the right place.  Maybe he was going to try to abduct me if I went with him to meet his friends.

All these what-ifs crossed through my mind but the one that DIDN’T was:  What if he is just into me because he thinks I’m hot?

It sucks because there has been very little to make me have the self-esteem that I do.  I typically think that my self-esteem is pretty great and all the men I have dated I have always found pretty attractive and they seem to be attracted to me.. so why don’t I think I deserve a genuine situation like this to happen to me?

I think it may have to do with the fact that my relationships either come out of guys who I meet through friends or using Okcupid where the interest is sparked through conversation first. It’s just such a random thing to be approached out of nowhere for this day and age and clearly, it’s messed with my head.

Have any of you had issues similar to this? Have you ever felt not worthy even though you knew you really were deep down inside?

In other news, I’ll be updating this blog around 11am with my Weight Watchers results of the week.  I’m not expecting a loss, but we’ll see.

I hope you all have a glorious Friday and first weekend of March!!

Peace and monkeys,


Dating with a double chin

Alright, alright, I might not have THAT big of a double chin but I wanted to address a topic Alyssa suggested I write about:  Plus-sized dating.

Honestly, I’ve never had an issue finding guys to date and I’ve been a “plus sized” girl the whole time.  I disobeyed my father’s “No dating until you’re 30” rule and started my starry eyed obsessions with the opposite sex at the age of 14.  Now that I am actually 30, if I had a flower for every guy I’ve gone out with,  I’d have a gorgeous field that I could rent out to allergy companies so they could film people running blissfully through them, allergy free.

But seriously, even though my garden of eligible bachelors always seems to be  in full bloom, I do have a lot of fear about my size when it comes to finding a match.  My anxiety over my body is drastically less than it was when I was in my early dating days.   At that age, I experienced many moments that built up my insecurities with guys who said things about my “bingo wings” or called me “Princess Fat Arms.”  I was told many times that I had “such a pretty face” but everything below it was simply ignored. And how could I ever forget the guy who didn’t want to stick around to hang out with my best friend and her boyfriend because I was “too fat?”  “If you just lost 30 pounds, you’d be so hot,” my friend’s boyfriend told me.

It is experiences like those that made my faith in myself being attractive to the opposite sex hard to find.  I thought I was pretty and I knew I was awesome, however, I just didn’t feel desirable.  It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I finally met a guy who made me feel like I was.  He was the first guy I ever actually believed when he would call me words like “hot” and “sexy” and if it wasn’t for him, I probably would’ve taken a lot longer to start building the self-esteem I have now.

Part of my insecurities with dating at my size came from the preconceptions of what someone is like on the internet.  I’m no stranger to dating online and have been on and off of Okcupid.com for a large part of my single adult life. I would meet guys who would seem SO into me online and then once we would meet, I’d never hear from them again.  My first belief always lead me to feeling like he wasn’t into me because I was too fat.  I may have been right and I may not have been, either way it took me a while to realize that guys like that are not the type of guys I wanted to be dating anyway.  Because of that, I’ve carried with me the logic that men would be more likely to date me if I was thinner, which sucks.  It was also confirmed when I first lost weight and drastically was hit on more often.

Now that I’m older, it’s been a really long time since I felt like any of my online dating experiences didn’t go well because of my size.  Okcupid made it easier to weed out the people who don’t like plus-sized girls by asking questions about body type preferences  such as, my favorite, “Do overweight people annoy you?”  The website allows you browse through hundreds of questions the person you’re scoping out has answered and seeing the answers regarding body size is always one of the first things I look for.

Now I’m happy to report that when I do meet guys from Okcupid, they’re all pretty fantastic.  If we don’t work out, it’s not because I think I’m too fat, it’s because myself and the men I date are finally mature enough to realize and accept when two people just won’t work.  I still believe it’s easier for me just to meet men “in real life” because the important aspect of physical attraction is already there at the beginning.

Whether I’m finding guys to date online or in person, the biggest trouble I have is not dating with a double chin, it’s making sure I actually pick the right guy from the vast field of choices.

If you’re on the bigger end of body types, what have been your experiences with dating?  Do you find it to be more challenging?  Has a certain body type always been something that you looked for in a mate?

Enjoy your Wednesday,