Good Morning! So this morning (it’s currently Saturday), I woke up for the first time in my life, eager to get on the scale. I knew that my five workouts per week were helping, as I can now run a mile without dying, my jeans feel looser, I’m starting to get the “You’ve lost weight!” comments, and in general, I am feeling fitter, happier and more energetic. The scale would be good. It had to be.
I stepped on the scale when I rolled out of bed, before I ate anything or put anything on. The number shocked me. This has to be wrong, I thought, stepping back, rubbing my eyes, thinking I must still be in a daze. I stepped on again. The number was there again… glaring at me – the highest number I’ve ever seen in my life. This can’t be, I thought, anger growing inside me. Thankfully, in a moment of divine intervention, I remembered to take my measurements. I wrapped the pink tape around me in disbelief, not understanding how all this WORK could lead to gain. WEIGHT GAIN, that is. The measuring tape showed a different story. I lost an inch off my bust. An inch off my thighs. An inch off my forearm. An inch off my butt. An inch off my arm. THREE inches off my waist. A total of eight inches lost – surely, the proof of at least four hours of cardio per week in addition to strength training.
Thankfully, I had a therapy appointment. I haven’t been completely open about this on the blog because of the stigma that goes along with saying you’re seeing a therapist. I’m not crazy, and I’m fine – I just wanted to work on my stress management and anxiety, and I can tell you that lately I’m feeling better than ever. If you need help, get it. It’s not a big deal. We all need a little help sometimes. Anyways, we spent my session today talking about my WEIGHT. How all my life, it’s the one thing I feel like I cannot overcome. How I try so hard, and it feels like nothing changes. How this defeat makes me want to say f*ck it all, and eat 15 bags of movie theatre popcorn, to roll in dulce de leche, to be like “I’m fat and that’s the way I always will be.” But we talked about why a number means so much to me. How things like my horrendous allergies make me retain water. How I’m pre-menstrual. How I had a salty meal last night. How all of these things drastically affect a number – and how can I let a number RUIN MY DAY when I see results in so many other ways?
We talked about my food choices the past two weeks. I realized I haven’t had “perfection”. I have treated myself – because I had a major life accomplishment. I turned in 20,000 words of my own creation. My thesis, a project I’ve been working on for three years. I will graduate in May – a 28 year old with a Master’s degree. I am so PROUD of myself. I celebrated with a cheeseburger, and cupcakes. I sipped a frothy cold lambic on a hot summer day. I had a slice of pizza for lunch. My celebrations were all food, and that’s a behavior I can change, but we also talked about forgiveness. I need to forgive myself for not eating perfectly. I need to not beat myself up because of the scale. I need to be my friend. I am trying. I am working. I am going to make this happen.
I believe in myself. I will be journaling my food for the next few weeks, continuing to work out, and drinking more water. I will weigh in ONCE A WEEK, and that’s it. I will continue to take measurements. I will do this. I will do this. I can do this.
Whew – that was a heavy post. Bet you didn’t expect that, did you?! Tell me something that challenged you this weekend. You overcame it – I know you did – and if you haven’t, I know you can. We can do this! As always, thank you for reading my blog. It means a lot to me to know I’m not alone on this journey 🙂