My terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

Happy Friday, everybody! I’ve been in a little bit of a funk this last part of the week as on Tuesday I headed to the doctor to get my weight re-checked and my liver enzymes reported. (After the 10 day detox, I was supposed to lose 8-12 pounds and we were hoping for an improvement on the elevated liver enzymes from tests prior).

To summarize, to prepare for success I…

  • Followed a very strict 10-day medical grade cleanse and detox (And FYI I did not cheat once — didn’t think I’d have to make that claim… thanks to the butthead who suggested my tests came back because I “probably cheated”,)
  • Consistently took my metformin, the new insulin resistant drug I was placed on that was supposed to help with weight loss

My scale at home was showing a hopeful number — 12 pounds down. I even bought an old school, analog dial scale to confirm that everything was correct. Husband even cross-checked his weight, and it was right. So when I weighed in at the doctor, I was really, really shocked to hear that in the past six weeks, I had gained five pounds.

As I sat on the the exam table and tried to choke back tears, I discussed with my doctor how this was even possible. We moved on to the liver results, and they haven’t gotten any better, at all. So my difficult, expensive, horrendous detox? Didn’t work.

My new plan of action is eating 1,000 calories a day per my doctor, starting a new drug called Invokana, also for insulin resistance associated with my PCOS, and having a liver ultrasound to rule out any masses, lesions or inflammation. I’m not gonna lie, I’m having a hard time with this all. When your body is going rogue despite you trying everything you possibly can to make it better, it’s frustrating. I had eight vials of blood taken on Tuesday to re-check my low vitamin D levels and also re-examine my thryoid function, this time, looking at thyroid antibodies, which if off balance can indicate Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism.

I thought I had made it through the appointment without bursting into tears, but as I was put in to another exam room to have my blood drawn, my eyes started welling up. I thought I was off the hook until the doctor came in, took one look at me, asked if I was ok, and the great dam broke free. I was really embarrassed but she was super supportive and comforting and assured me we would work through this together. I’m grateful to have a doctor with wonderful bed side manner who’s willing to work with me to figure out what’s going on.

I’m sad, mad, frustrated, irritated, scared… you name it. I want so badly to be on the right track, to see the scale moving downwards rather than up. The only thing I can think of is maybe the lack of exercise during my detox (no cardio was allowed during the plan) might have contributed to a gain – but even so – a gain of five pounds? Something’s wrong.

I’ve talked about my awesome intuition before, and I know something’s up. If nothing is found this time, I’m going to keep looking. I feel that something is off, or not working the way it should be. Knowing about the PCOS is half of it, but I really feel there’s another factor at play. Until I know, I must wait, as patiently as I can, trying to be optimistic. But I’ll tell you – you really never acknowledge your health until it’s in jeopardy. Take a moment today and be grateful for your health because when it’s suddenly in flux, it’s not fun. At all.

I’m sorry if this post is a downer but I needed to keep you all updated. Do you have any advice for me for handling the “What if”‘s of the next few days?

 

Thailand 20 Tuesday – Week 6

Hello friends! Last night, after another great cardio workout, I thought to myself “I’m going to get on the scale tomorrow and have lost like FOUR POUNDS! Yes! I can feel it!” Well… I got on the scale this morning and I lost a number FOUR… but it was .4. WOMP WOMP. Cue the sad clown music.

Not quite where I want to be after six weeks, but I’m going to try not to be a Debbie Downer…

My initial reaction is to cry, throw things and break the scale. Well, thankfully, I have two very wise men in my life – my husband and my brother. Husband reminded me that I’ve been working hard and looking and feeling better – and I can’t get too discouraged. My brother surprised me with some major wisdom – see our chat below to see what I mean (When did he grow up? In my mind he will always be 12 years old and fishing for crawdads from the neighborhood creek.)

Here’s what I know is working:

1) I’ve been really good about cardio, and I can feel it. I have more energy, it’s not as “hard”, and I’m feeling calmer and less stressed than usual. I clocked in 5 hours of sweaty, hard cardio exercise this week which is major for me. So I have to applaud myself for that. I even mastered 10 minutes on the stair machine last night, which was a big deal for me!

2) I’m consistently tracking on MyFitnessPal and have stayed within my daily range which is 1,600 calories. I’m going to meet with my dietitian next week to see if I maybe need to reduce calories further (I hope not, but think I might have to!). I’m eating lots of veggies, whole grains and lean proteins, and making smart choices when I go out to eat.

3) Here’s a few items of miscellany: I sometimes wonder if I need to go “no brain” on the food and do something like Jenny Craig. What’s the feedback on Jenny Craig? It sounds really, really expensive and I know I’d miss cooking – but I wonder if I need to be on something that’s already pre-measured and portion-controlled. Thoughts? Also, I officially need to take my measurements today. For weeks like this where I’m a grumpzilla after my weigh in, it would help to know if at least SOMETHING is shrinking (and please God, don’t let it be my boobs). I’m waiting to get a call back from the doc about my thyroid test. Could this be a missing link?

There’s also some pressure when you blog about your weight to log in every week and have a glowing success story for your readers. I even thought to myself this morning, “Do I need to fib a little bit? People aren’t going to want to read that I had another subpar week.” Shameful, I know. I think sometimes that I should stop blogging about weightloss since I never seem to succeed with it, and go back to writing about things I’m good at – how the cat got caught in the birdbath, how to talk to people on social media, how to make the best stovetop popcorn ever. And while I let myself have a little bloggy pity party, I remembered that this blog isn’t about writing some fancy, nice happy ending story. It’s not fiction. It’s reality. It’s about my goal to lose weight, and unfortunately, since it’s real life, it’s not always going to be cheery sparkle rainbow unicorn poop. Ya feel me?

So that’s what’s up on Thailand 20 Tuesday. Maybe I should rename to this to Thailand Trying Tuesday. Thailand Torture Tuesday. Thailand TinyLoss Tuesday. Thailand “Sometimes I think I’ll be fat forever” Tuesday. Thailand “I can’t wait to go to Thailand even if I am the same weight” Tuesday. Thailand “At least I’m healthy” Tuesday. Thailand “Is it Wednesday Yet?” Tuesday. Yes. Or maybe something more simple… just Thailand Tuesday. :) Till next time.. I’m keepin’ on keepin’ on. How are you doing today?

Weekly Weigh In #9

FINALLY, a good weigh in! Today, I weighed in, expecting a gain, and I …

Lost 1 pound

This is kind of confusing because… in my frustration with last week’s gain, I kind of lost it on Saturday. I ate corned beef, butter cabbage, bread, cupcakes, and two cups of Bailey’s Irish Cream. I got back on track on Sunday, but I had just decided to say “Screw it” and eat what I wanted on Saturday. But, I did start exercising more, and also tracked really well otherwise. Weird, right?

Anyways. The important thing I want to talk about today is my “new plan”. I met with the CSUN Nutritionist Ellen, this week. In 2008, Ellen helped me drop 30 pounds, simply by telling me what kinds of food to eat and what to avoid. I printed out my daily trackers, and we revealed two interesting things: 1) I tend to rely on the frozen SmartOnes for lunches. The SmartOnes aren’t enough to satisfy my hunger, as evidenced by all the salty, snacky things that were racking up points during the day. 2) Even though I stayed within my 39 points a day, I was yo-yoing the same couple pounds, back and forth. Ellen did the math – and even at my reduced 39 points a day (I originally got 42), Weight Watchers was putting me at around consuming 2,400 calories a day!

This is a big deal, because, to lose one pound a week, I should be eating about 1,900 calories a day at my current weight and activity level. My nutritionist even said – in theory, Weight Watchers works for most people. The keyword is MOST. Apparently, I’m one of those lucky few that doesn’t fit into the one size fits all. She even said Weight Watchers is the best program around – and she recommends it all the time – but sometimes, the math just isn’t right for everybody. As such, I will now be counting calories, via my Fitness Pal, and trying to stay around 1,700 calories a day. I’ll finish out my current Weight Watchers program I paid for, which I think is a few more weeks, but I probably won’t be tracking. I might actually track AND count calories one week, just to see what the discrepancy truly is.

How do I feel about all of this? I feel relieved. For weeks now, I’ve been beating myself up, wondering what I was doing wrong, why I just couldn’t DO THIS as tons of people around me dropped the weight, enjoying their extra points each weekend as mine were taken away. It wasn’t all my fault. It was a computation error – a mathematical oops, a simple case of numbers not exactly making sense. Now that I know what’s going on, I have a new, alternative plan and a trusted mentor to get me through this.  I can do this – I will do this – I AM doing this!

Whew. So yeah. Finally, I have some answers.

 

Weekly Weigh In #7 – In which I want to bitchslap Weight Watchers in the face.

After a week of diligent tracking, a four mile hike, a dance class, and several miles walked on breaks at work, I…

lost a whopping .2 of a pound

I’m frustrated. Not gonna lie. Thinking about canceling Weight Watchers on the spot and drowning my sorrows in peeps, guacamole and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But I’m not going to do that. I calmly met with my Weight Watchers leader after the meeting and we went over a few things.

The first thing is we agreed to reduce my daily points target by two points. This means eating less. The second thing is, I can’t use any of my “extra” or “flex” points. That sucks. Those are usually my weekend enjoyment points, where I’ll have a hard cider or a cupcake or popcorn.I’ve also been instructed to eat a maximum of three pieces of fruit a day.

I have mixed feelings about this all. First, I’m pissed that my second go around on the new Weight Watchers Points Plus system is turning out the same as the first. I’m paying for the plan because, ya know, even their copyrighted tagline is, “because it works.” Clearly it doesn’t work in a one size fits all way. I’m supposed to be able to follow the plan and have 49 extra points and all my daily points that the calculator decides for me… and I can’t. I’m supposed to be able to eat unlimited fruit. And I can’t. I’m not saying it doesn’t work at all, because it obviously does… for people like my friends KjPugs, WonderWallA Bit of This and All the Weigh. These people have rocked the plan, and lost tons of weight, and it was more than just the plan – it was their dedication, blood, sweat and tears. I’m not saying I’m following the plan perfectly, because I’m sure sometimes my measurements are off or I track something as less than it is – but I think I’m at about 90% genuine compliance.

Gratuitous Photo of Leo the Cat because I don't have any pictures that apply!

Am I just not compatible with Weight Watchers? I’m really fed up, but I’m going to try at least for a month with the no flex/extra points, less fruit and lower daily points target. If after a month I’m still honest to goodness trying and not seeing results, I gotta move on. I see my nutritionist early next week, and I can’t wait to dive into my tracking history with her and see what knowledge she can give me. I successfully lost 30 pounds in 2008 under her instruction, so I know she can steer me in the right direction.

I think the hardest thing about this is trying to figure out why, a couple times, I’ve managed to lose 2.8 pounds a week. The only thing I’ve discovered is that was a week I didn’t use flex points – so hopefully this will do the trick. Still… kind of crappy. What do you think I should do? Keep at it and see if these tweaks will do the trick? Abandon Weight Watchers and go back to sensible eating and exercise without a plan? Say screw it and accept my zaftig unhealthy weight? :) Choices, Choices… I gotta lose the weight because there’s something coming up in the near future that will require a fit and healthy body- and NO, for the love of god, I am not pregnant.

I’ll share the exciting news in the next post :) Have a marvelous Monday!

 

Weekly Weigh In #6

*Sigh* Let’s get right to it. This week I

gained .8 of a pound

Sometimes, I feel like I’m living my life in Groundhog’s day, because for the past six weeks of Weight Watchers, I have consistently been losing one week, and then gaining the next. It’s a scene all too familiar and one I’m getting sick of repeating. Remember last week’s monumental weight loss? 2.8 pounds? Yeah, not so much today.

I really anticipated a small loss, at least. Nothing huge, but a little reward for the night I turned down a bowl of ice cream, or when I spent an hour and a half of my Sunday morning speed walking around the park. I was bitter today after my weigh in. I wondered aloud why I was doomed to a life of fatness. (Yes, I have a flair for the dramatic) It’s hard not to be frustrated when the third time I’ve tried Weight Watchers, I’m having similar results, a perpetual YoYo, constantly not constant. Is it me? Is it the program? Is it the sugary Peeps I ate (and tracked)? Is it bloating? Is it too little exercise?

I really want to say, “F you, Weight Watchers,” and go stuff my face with garlic bread, but I’m not going to. I’m paying for this damn plan, so I’m gonna make it work even if that means I can’t use my extra points or I have to cut out my liquid crack, my beloved Diet Pepsi. (C’mon – one can a day? How bad can it be?!)

So what do I need to do? Eat less. Move more. Use less extra points. Cut out the crap. Crap is crap even if I count it. Peeps aren’t good for the junk in my trunk, and neither are FiberOne Brownies. Crap is crap. But I give a crap. So next week, I’m losing weight, even if I have to strip naked on the scale to make it. I’m sick of having to write the same post every other week. It makes me not want to write to you. But I do, because I need to. It needs to change. It will change. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Send me some weight loss vibes, will ya?

My 13-point dinner tonight. Salad with beets and light ranch, turkey breast sandwich with sprouts, avocado and cheese on whole wheat with light cranberry juice.

 

Weekly Weigh In #3

Today was my third weigh in, and I’ll admit that I approached it with a somewhat pessimistic attitude. After last week’s weigh in, I was frustrated and disappointed that a week of staying on plan had gained me a gain! This morning, I got on my scale and was irritated that the number hadn’t budged in the direction I was looking for – in fact, it had stayed exactly the same. However, through my drama I knew I had to wait until I actually weighed in at the Weight Watchers meeting to make any decisions about the plan or my progress. So every time that little weight-loss rebel popped up on my shoulder, I told her to stuff it!  And happily, today I am

down 1 pound

It’s not a gigantic loss, but it’s a pound. And if you think about a pound in terms of hamburger meat, is a good chunk of blubber. I needed this little loss, because I needed an “attitude adjustment”, and now I’m encouraged to keep tracking, keep exercising, and keep losing weight.

My breakfasts as of late... Greek Yogurt, Fruit and Coffee. 5 points!

I’ll admit – this weekend will have challenges. I’m visiting my friend Monique in Seattle (She’s getting her Master’s in Social Work at U-Dub – cool!) and I tend to get a little out of control when I’m out of town and having fun. Wine, popcorn, dining out – these are the traps into which I often fall. But she’s also health conscious and I think we’ll try and hold each other accountable and get some exercise into our days. I’m now down 3.2 pounds in three weeks, and next week I’d love to hit five pounds.

So yay! Weight Watchers is working! I’m working! It’s working! Sometimes, a little encouragement is all you need!