I’m a total woman.

Guess what, bloggies! I joined a gym. *booty dance* Now, the hard part will actually be forcing myself to go. You know how some people just have that athletic grace, the natural inclination to love sweat dripping down their face and the endorphins of a good, ass-kickin’ work out? I don’t. I’d rather sit on my butt, eat, or surf the internet (don’t get me started on StumbleUpon).

Total Women gettin' their workout on.

After work, I cruised over to the local Curves. The owner was super nice, genuine and told me it was a family owned business. However, the location was sketchy, the hours sucked for a full-time student/employee (They close at 8 pm and aren’t open on Sundays). Plus, the price, while average ($38) did not include classes, a locker room, or any perks. So, I drove my fab little Fit to Northridge and checked out Total Woman. My first reaction was “Wow”. This place is like a ritzy mall in the burbs – filled with granite counters, yummy-smelling things and large potted plants. You know, it just seemed classy. I was taken on a tour by a somewhat pushy marketing manager, and from there, proceeded to negotiate and hem and haw for an hour before making a decision. (It was pretty much like buying a car. Not the most pleasant experience, but it must be done….)

This place has a beautiful jacuzzi, steam room, dry sauna and over 25 free classes a week. It’s open late on week nights, early on mornings, and open both weekend days. It’s women only, and there were fat women working out! Seeing my fellow full-figured ladies instantly set me at ease. They also have a full cardio area, weights area, and a full-service spa. I negotiated a free massage, and for an extra three months to be added to the price of a one year contract. It’s frightening paying up front for a gym membership because you hear so many horror stories, but I did the math and it works out to about $33 a month, cheaper than Curves, and in a beautiful, clean, safe location. 15 months also freaks me out because now I really have to DO this, and use the membership – but that’s kind of the point, right? And I get free massages! Woohoo!

It’s an investment, right? Just as my car was an “investment”, I know that this is the ultimate investment for my future – to make a promise to myself that I won’t have to worry about my blood pressure, that my body will be limber and strong, that when I want to have kids (not for a LOOOOOONG time, mom, don’t get excited) I won’t have to drop a ton of weight first, and that I can still enjoy yummy things without the constant weight gain I’ve experienced lately.

So yes – feeling optimistic, and it’s not even 2011. I’ll go workout for the first time tomorrow – wish me luck! (PS: Before I went in, I asked two sweaty women leaving if they liked the facility, and both women had nothing but praise for it. I’ll take a firsthand review over some sleazy corporate marketing plan any day!) What are your goals for 2011, and have you gotten a head start on any of them?

Wacky Wednesdays

So, on Wednesdays, I want to post about random stuff that amuses me related to weight loss, activity, fat or diet… So without further ado, here’s the Tush Turner! Yep, you read it right… Because getting out of the car is so difficult, why not avoid all the strain and stress with the Tush Turner? Now, the troublesome 1-second movement of swiveling your torso can be eliminated from your busy life, with the Tush Turner! Ate too much at dinner? Unbutton those jeans and swirl off the seat with the Tush Turner! Broke the Lazy Susan? Pop it on the table and rotate your rotisserie with the Tush Turner! Lost your favorite Frisbee? Fling it in the air for a smooth, soaring Tush Turner! Oh yes… I could go on and on. And we wonder why America is obese? But, I suppose some elderly people could actually benefit from this product, so hey… what do I know?

They should have called it the Ass Glider, or the Rump Rotater, or maybe even the Butt Burger.

In other Wacky Wednesday news, have you tried out the Fat Booth app on the iPhone? My officemate Sacha turned me on to it, and we had lots of fun contorting our faces into Big-Bertha-esque portraits. I admit, I initially was fearful as I worried my face would already resemble some people’s “after” shots, but despite my “pre-existing condition” (aka being fat), I got a pretty good result. Wanna see?

Before

I knew those truffles would catch up to me.

Pretty scary stuff, because sadly, a chin like that could be nearer than I’d like if I don’t get my act together. Hopefully my next blog will be a report back about researching women’s gyms – has anybody used a Curves or all-women’s facility? Let me know in the comments. Until next time, I hope you had a wonderfully wacky Wednesday!

So what’s the story?

Let’s get it out in the open, so we start our blog-relationship with no dirty secrets. Speaking of direty secrets, there’s no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I’m going to tell you my NUMBER. Nuuh!!  Nothing’s worse than a skinny person who says they’re fat, so I will tell you that I have about 70 pounds to lose. 70 pounds is the ultimate “omg i’m incredible and awesome and stopped doing EVERYTHING in life but focused on losing weight” goal,the one that the BMI chart says I’d be “healthy” at, (a skinny person totally made up that chart). My realistic goal is 50 pounds, cuz hey, I don’t mind a little extra ba-dunk-a-dunk and my body can carry a little more lovin’ for the oven.

Yeah, cuz someone with a waist this small would really be measuring it...

So how did I gain all this weight? Oh, gee, I have no idea. It’s not like I eat too much, sit on my ass and avoid exercise like it will kill me….(Hi! Welcome! My name is Alyssa and I’m a sarcasm-aholic!) I’m perfectly comfortable with admitting that while yes, my family has a genetic tendency to be fat (we’ll get to that later), a lot of this excess was caused by MY OWN excess. I’m not going to chew on a salted caramel and pretend I got fat by eating celery sticks and running on the treadmill every night. I got fat because I reward myself with food, I console myself with food, I enjoy myself with food, and I abuse food. Add a healthy dose of Taurean laziness, a big tablespoon of sedentary desk job, a massive mound of carbohydrate addiction, a healthy, happy relationship and BOOM! Seventy pounds gained!

So how am I trying to lose this weight, you ask? Well, I’m a current member of Weight Watchers. We’ll cover Weight Watchers later, because yes, it works (I’ve had success on it before), but it only works if you do it. And I am doing it right now? Well… I paid the dues, but am I tracking? No. *Bad dieter. No cookie for me.* I fully intend to start tracking TOMORROW (I’ll come back and report), and this week’s homework assignment is to find a gym. Know why this will all totally happen? Because I have you, my dear reader. And why does that matter? Because you’re the one thing that a lot of fat people hate… and that’s accountability!!

Till next time,

The Dutchess of Double Chins